cheerfulness 1

Memory Verse

““A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but
when the heart is sad the spirit is broken”.

- Proverbs 15:13 (NASB)

Cheerfulness. I have been so incredibly crushed in the last while. My life has fallen apart and all that I thought I knew about myself has proven to be faulty. I have found out that I am professionally suspect. I have found out that people cannot trust me because I am controlling and manipulative. I have found out that I am most unsuited in my current state to do my job which is to pastor a church. I feel like a gigantic failure and I am so stressed that I have no way of knowing whether I am to survive to the next day. My income is dependent on my doing my job well. I can only be said to be doing my job well if I am able to be trusted and supportive and, well, a pastor. How can I we cheerful? The bible says that cheerfulness comes from a joyful heart, and that a broken heart can only produce a crushed spirit. Right now I am just so incredibly crushed. I feel sorry for myself, yes, but mostly I would just like to be rid of this incredible feeling of stress and unhappiness.

Of course, there is not that alternative. It seems that God has orchestrated it so that I cannot get out of this. The people who I am dealing with have been given to me for better or for worse. They and I am going through this thing to the end. I am destined by God to grow up and go through this so I will come out in the end refined and better suited for the job. All I can rely on right now is my Lord. I have no other safe place. My wife, praise God, is wonderful. She is so supportive and encouraging. I could not have asked for more there and I thank God for her. But as far as the rest goes, all the chickens are coming to roost at once. I suppose I have asked for it. I have asked the Lord to make me grow up and right now I am just so fucking sore that I don’t know if I can stand it. But I know he is doing it because he loves me and I am his child.

So all I can ask is that he supports me through this and loves me and helps me and that I will come out on the other side better for it. And I know I will. Even if this church fails because of my broken sinfulness, I know that there will be a new day ahead when I will better able to serve him. Right now, however, I am hurting and could use some cheerfulness medicine. So Lord, let your joy flow in me. Let me know that you are for me and nobody can be against me. Let me know that you will not leave me nor forsake me. Let me know that you will provide for us even if nobody else will. God help me. I want to be cheerful. It is right, so cheer me up from the inside!

AMEN

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