This blog will now be linked to my Face Book account. I was wondering whether to mix the two world or not, but why not. Most people who know me anyway know my story and whether I try to hide it or not, my life goes up and down like waves in a storm.
But generally the trend is upwards. I have been unearthing stuff from my past and how it influenced me. I always thought that the things that had happened to me were so insignificant that they couldn’t possibly have influenced me so negatively as it seemed I have been hurt. But they did and even if there is nothing more that I can’t remember, there is enough for me to be pretty screwed up. Also it seems that I am a particularly sensitive soul and needed more affirmation than most and received less.
The main issue it seems was caretaker betrayal. When people should have cared for and protected me they punished and abandoned me. The second main issue is humiliation which has left me feeling like a “charity case”, where I could never receive stuff that people do for me as good, since it always injured me further as I experienced as a further humiliating blow my my heart. Interesting that the Lord has shown me the flipside: How do I feel when I am extending charity to others? I am feeling his love, tenderness and compassion for them and it is not demeaning to them, but rather an expression of his love and affirmation, grace and care. It is an eye-opener!
I am learning to love and appreciate myself.
Last week Friday I glimpsed the anger that whirls in my soul. I could only look at it and hear it faintly but could not access it. When I get to the feeling place, I will be getting somewhere. Pray for me!
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