Its weird
to find
that I
have lost
so much
that was
myself

its strange
but I
have set
out to
discover
who
I am

so here’s
to me
the way
I am
I revel
in
the sum

who am
I then
that I
should argue
with
the Lord’s
own Son?

the joy is fragile

it trembles tenderly

a new-born notion

that everything is not

dangerously transient

that

in every magic moment

a let-down lurks

so my heart still welcomes

those well-aimed darts

that seek out the unhealed heart

those little particles of pain

where my old self still hungers —

I take my heart in hand

And still my taunting thoughts

Their history a vivid memory

Of almost-fatal falls

Yet again I dodge the daggers

Aimed at my deepest deeps

And trudge with grim resolve

To find a breathless peace

All this to make the space

for

A presence full of healing

He who restores and comforts

Who carries me some more.

Love beckons

Love calls

Love receives

Love loves.

I welcome love

I love love

And love loves me.

Still

Until I can accustom

My ever-fearing self

That there will be a time

When I will fully know

That joy is deep and lasting

That love is strong

And true

I hope he will still humour

My need to have him say

“I love you, my beloved

Just be in my embrace

It’s safe here in the darkness.

Abide, abide

Yes, stay”

I have often thought of why it is so easy to cry about a beautiful sunset of some classical music, or to allow my heart to be melted by some poignant moment on TV in a series, when my heart is so numb to my real deep pain and anguish. Now that I am trying to reach my deepest heart to expose the roots of my anger, I find that I can’t. This superficial release I suppose keeps me sane, but at the same time is the barrier between me and real emotional growth.

Sentimentality is the shadow of emotion. Real emotion released produces growth because it hurts. Sentimentality produces no life because it cooperates with the movement of death in us. Entropy. When we don’t grow we do not stagnate, we die. Every opportunity missed for real growth is a tragedy. Denial is not stasis: it is an opportunity missed.

dunno…

…this morning i feel low. it seems that is all i say on this blog. i don’t always feel moved to blog when i feel good. then i am too busy doing other stuff.

i feel tense and anxious. it seems like there is too much that can go wrong. i probably don’t trust that God can do all that needs to be done and i KNOW i can’t…so that only leaves the possibility that things can go screwy.

so for the next few weeks, until the big score goes down, i will have to just live in denial — a long river in africa — i cruise there often.

nonetheless…

i bask
i drink
i am in Your light
what i cannot be
elsewhen…
sipping
drenched in You
beloved
when i can’t be
otherwise
weak
yet inescapably
myself
no remedy
but You
so –
i bask
i drink
i am in Your light
what i cannot be
elsewhere,
elsewhen +

reaching out
Originally uploaded by dampies.

touch me
i need the strength
i need to know i’m not alone.
all my desperate minions
divided and separate
splinters of soul
i need the sense of your heart
close to mine
today i am alone
no matter how many
mingle and mill where i am
so i
reach out
i tremble
tremble
tremble…

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

dear God

all this talk about darkness. yet you wait patiently in my heart…after all, that is what in-dwelling means; i worship the one within, the Other. i stir up within me the presence of peace. you pass all understanding. i pay homage to the heavenly one. i enter the gate. you have called and chosen me. WORSHIP: waiting on you, my heart inhaled, my mind mingled with yours, my soul satisfied with your soothing silence. o most high, o dearest divine — display yourself to me. and i bow low, knowing this was what i am meant to be… your footstool. humiliation? no! your dwelling place. your rest. i love you! me in you and you in me…and heaven holds its breath. sweet Mercy, you have given me your Self. spoken in words of tender, tender proximity: “you are my son. I AM well pleased with you. come, that I may minister to your misery. dress your disaster in glory…”

yes, I worship you, my Heart!

merde
Originally uploaded by dampies.

2005/06/27 8.45 am

“I take it you are there?”

I was mildly annoyed. She knew that I worried. Every morning when she left to take kids to school or to go anywhere for that matter, I said a ritual, yet heartfelt prayer. “The Lord protect you on the road!”. This included protection from “negligence, accident, stupidity, violence, road rage, rape, and anything not covered by these descriptions”.

“Yes, I am sorry my love. We got here just before 6. There was very little traffic on the roads. Must be because of school holidays!”

As usual I tried to swallow my irritation. At the age of 45 it should be over my deep fear of losing those I love. I suppose she is a buffer to me against the chaos of aloneness. I relish being alone when she is coming back but I cannot imagine what it would be like to be without her. It is a bit humiliating to be so dependent on one person (or 3 people — this includes my daughter and my son, who are mini bastions against the void of being alone — little deposits that insure that she will come back again, not matter how much later.)

I hate it when she drives at night. It is not as if I can imagine all the bad things that can happen to her, or something like that. It just makes me uncomfortable. There is a sort of unease that drains the light out of me. A metallic taste of nothingness that instantly pervades my heart. I know it and I want to avoid it at all costs.

Then I remember the three weeks of (unnamed space — identified by absence of anchors — adrift in a inter-stellar anomaly field — thank God for science fiction) that stare me in the gizzard. The Lord only knows what will happen in these 3 weeks. While she is away visiting her sister in Kiwi land, our daughter in tow, I will be home with our disabled son. What qualifies a sweet little seven-year old (cute but mute — and anyhow the personification of all my lifelong struggle against helplessness and redundancy) to hold me back from the lip of the abyss? Truly i will face my nemesis. We will see if Jesus really meets me in the pit of our deepest despair