I have been reading a book called Out Of Church Christians and one part
of it refers to the “Wilderness Experience” and how it is biblical and how
people believe that they have been called out of church structures to unlearn
stuff and come back with a “new revelation” and it seems to me to be more of
the same old same old. God did reveal himself to people in Jesus. He doesn’t
need us to get any new revelations until we get the old revelation. All this
stuff about revelations is more Gnostic stuff (spiritualising practical stuff
because it is believed that spiritual is somehow better than physical) that is
deflecting the true message of Jesus that was reflected so graphically in the
story in the New Testament about the rich young ruler (Matt 19.21). This man
asked what he must do to inherit the kingdom and he knew the answer taught in
the Bible. He kept those. But additionally Jesus added that he had to give away
all he had and follow Jesus. He couldn’t. Jesus shows us a radical way and
though many are called, few are chosen, because until you can you are not a
true disciple. We find al sorts of ways to justify not being faithful to him.
Our possessions prove where our hearts lie. If we could all live like this then
we would change the world in a heartbeat. But we can’t so we won’t.

I am not saying I have the faith for this.
I do know that churches spend a lot of time teaching ways to get around this.
One of the ways is that we are taught it is all about eternal life. We are saved
for heaven by believing in Jesus. But believing in Jesus means believing what
he said is true and he said we shouldn’t worry too much about possessions but
have faith in him and his saying that we should first seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness, which is
countercultural, transforming our culture by being different. We aren’t. Our
culture and the culture of the world thus far, have been about “taking care of
number one”. So we make it about heaven and instead of transforming the world
one person at a time as he did, we get them to say a little prayer that will
“save” them and leave them to die in their poverty because he blesses the poor.

We ignore scriptures like the one about the
sheep and the goats or spiritualise them somehow to make sure they don’t refer
to us. But it is clear that Jesus said “if you love me you will obey my
commands”. Which ones? His most important bit of teaching is the Sermon on the
Mount which is almost entirely about people other than the average Christian.
What does this say to us? Am I being overboard? I suppose I am according to the
definition of most churches.

The wilderness experience also seems to be
about getting closer to God and experiencing his presence, worshipping him more
fully and so on and so on. Jesus spoke about a generation that would worship
him in spirit and in truth. I am sure he had had enough of people who danced
around the altar and then went away and treated others badly and lived in
luxury while others starved. He spoke out against those people: us. We mouth
cute Christian platitudes and disobey him by hoarding against our old age while
others starve.

God help me. I am speaking like a lunatic.

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This morning while I was thinking about stuff and reading…the Bible
(Hey even Muslims read it now and then!) I was thinking that, if one is
in leadership and one observes behaviour that is potentially harmful in
one of your leaders that you are trusting to go out and do some more of
the same work, then it is not enough to just tell the person that they
have a “potentially fatal flaw” and to watch out for it. One has the
responsibility to help that person get behind what the cause is of this
flaw, and help them to sort it out. And if it is serious enough, stop
them from doing what is bound to expose others to this flaw, or at
least monitor them until you are sure that it is not going to be
destructive.

Am I right? Anything less would not only be irresponsible.

I have made the same mistake. I released somebody to preach and
invited them to be part of a leadership team when all I really wanted
was to win them over and to maximise their potential. Eventually I had
to uninvite them because it turned out that they were not suitable for
the job, because of 2 things, one was they had too much baggage at that
time, and the other was a clash in values. Both of them serious. It
caused a lot of hurt in them just loaded more hurt onto their already
fragile psyche.

It is not enough to just take a ce la vie attitude with that
because although the Lord uses the Romans 8.28 principle when we mess
up, and this inevitably srfaces a lot of stuff in us that needs to be
dealt with, and should be dealt with, people get hurt.

I think that is why the Bible says that we shouldn’t lay hands on
somebody too soon. We hurt them and no matter how gifted they are, it
can only end in tears.

…..This is what makes me so distrustful of the principle of leadership per se. There is just too much that can go wrong.

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I think we have to forget about the obsession with organised efforts to
conform Christians. That CAN often be less about discipleship and more
about money, power, spiritual laziness, and the effort to be part of a
Hegemony where we are not challenged. Our efforts would be better spend
with personal transformation which will hopefully lead to
transformation of society. If groups of people who are dedicated to
becoming like Christ, meet and infiltrate society with grace and
compassion, being counter-cultural as we reflect an alternative of
caring and sacrifice, we will be closer to Jesus and his disciples,
whom he laid hands on to spread the word and the deed.

It is a challenge for me. Everything is in the Bible abut how to
be. If we started only with the sermon on the mount and applied that
consistently, we would find that the church (as Jesus defined it=
something against which the gates of hell would not prevail) would be
what it was supposed to be, a personal manifestation of a spiritual
transformation that would establish the reign of Christ on the earth!

But that would mean that I would have to take seriously my
availability to Christ’s internal transformation process and leave
behind my laziness and give up my excuses and become yeast, salt, light!

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This morning I am horrified at what I said about leaders yesterday, even if it is of necessity true. We cannot help incarnating our brokenness (wounding, sin whatever you want to call it) into our ministries. Our ministries are often manifestations of our own desire to gain significance. It is human and I have done it and am even more horrified now that I see some of the fruits of what I did with the best of intentions.

is the answer to not have organised church? I don’t think so, it is impossible to avoid some form of organisation. But the burden of pain and despair that is caused by church structures and people who are in leadership positions in such structures is the issue and I wish I knew the answer. There are MANY people who have drifted away from church as a result. Not all of them are pathetic little people who are living out their rebellion and wounding in a bitter and acidic rant against the church and leaders. Many have legitimate problems with the inevitable momentum of the juggernaut called church structure, when good intentions and the “seeing through a glass darkly” mix to apply discipline and then simple pride and ignorance mix to inhibit genuine reconciliation. It is a human condition and it seems like the joke God played on us, because there is no way we can get it right.

GGRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!RACE!!! GRACE!!!

We need grace. We need to accept that it is set up so that we will need him and never forget it and will have to be like him and not count every slight as he didn’t and count it and choose to face the hurt and desolation of human relationships and inhale the fragrance of  dependence on him and knowing there is no way to avoid it but to do what we have to do in any case.

I wish I had the answer but I don’t. In the meantime I will choose the route of transformation, where I depend on him, and eat the bitter scroll.

Have mercy on us Lord! Maranatha! Come Lord jesus, come!

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I have always been a leader simply because people are prepared to follow somebody who sounds like they know what the are talking about and who acts with conviction. I am now in a quandary. I am discovering depths of distrust in leaders that I only suspected are there. Did Jesus ever mean for us to give away our lives to church leaders and leaders of nations etc in the way that we do? I suspect not. He says to call nobody father because there is only one Father and he is in heaven. In his Lord’s prayer he teaches us to pray that his Kingdom would come on earth as it does in heaven. I don’t think that this means that we are to follow blindly leaders’ vision of what that means and join organizations which are reflections of each particular leader’s own wounding. I don’t even think that  teams are necessarily a guarantee against that because men gather other men around them that have similar brokenness, so what is likely to come out of their mouths will probably bear out what the “leaders” think in any case.

What is the answer? Communities of like minded adults who take mutual responsibility for each others’ lives and spur each other on to maturity in Christ. He will fulfill the work he has started in us, and he uses people, but church leaders cannot, in more than a peripheral way, be part of that, since, unless they have relationship, they will hardly ever be in a position to dispense justice and discipline redemptively.

I am going to start praying for people to be church with.

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Leaders have such a hard job shame.
I don’t want to be led by anybody but Jesus anymore. I will be led by him as example and as Father and brother. It is much too easy to be wrong and think that you have covered all the bases. Relationship is the answer. Leadership is a cop out both for the leader and the led. It seldom produces real disciples. I want t be a self-led person. I want others to be self-led too. I would rather be a friend and example. It is much harder and genuine. There is no inherent acclaim and credibility.

I am getting to the “{not going to church” place again… I fear…

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Father,
Today everything seems a little paler, a little grayer. No amount of pulling myself up by my bootstraps will make seem right. I really just get tired of things just not going quite right. I am not dissatisfied, don’t get me wrong. I have been satisfied by you too many times to think that you aren’t FOR me. You are great, and I have no complaints against you. The problem is me. I feel discouraged, listless, and I just can’t afford to feel like that. I need to be positive, act decisively, create an aura of confidence in my clients. But the truth is that I have little confidence. Only you can sell this Town House, father. I am sacrificing ALL my commission so that the first sale will go through, but even that is no guarantee. I just don’t have the strength. What is it Lord? Why do I feel so low? If I felt well and positive, then I wouldn’t be daunted by this setback. So where do I get this internal completeness form that I lack?

I need it from you, Lord. I need you to make me feel like I can do anything. I know your word says that I can do all things through Christ Jesus that gives me strength. (Phil 4.13) But will the strength come as I do it, or will I feel stronger after I have done it and it has worked?

M. Scott Peck says that life is hard. So does John Eldredge. John goes further to say that “The glory of God is man fully alive”. God, let your Kingdom come then and let your glory come. Let me be fully alive. Right now I feel fully zombie.

Dear God
I can see how I have failed. I can see what is held before me. but the cracks in me are so deep and so profound that i have no hope of being repaired. i cannot be perfect. even the thought of nor making mistakes. the mere thought of not failing again, fills me with such dread, because i know i will. tere is no way for me to be perfect. the little excuses that i built into the back of my mind; the little back doors, the are being shut and there is nowhere for me to find passage. here i sit, in a heap and there is nowhere for me to go. i wonder if even your salvation makes room here. because i know you have led me here to this anneccessible, inescapable place. it is your stare, in the guise of all my accusers, which forces me to look at the ruins of my character. how much further can you dissemble me? how much more can i take? personally i want to die now. i am not dicouraged by death. i am terrified to fail again. all those whom i am supposed to serve have exposed me stitch for stitch. there i lie now, exposed. ravaged by you. where to now. once more no going back. unless i kill myself, no escape. because i am not perfect, and most likely will not be as long as i live. so always to be rejected. implacable perfection is my accuser. God help me, i am tired and sick of heart. mercy. mercy.

Memory Verse

““A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but
when the heart is sad the spirit is broken”.

- Proverbs 15:13 (NASB)

Cheerfulness. I have been so incredibly crushed in the last while. My life has fallen apart and all that I thought I knew about myself has proven to be faulty. I have found out that I am professionally suspect. I have found out that people cannot trust me because I am controlling and manipulative. I have found out that I am most unsuited in my current state to do my job which is to pastor a church. I feel like a gigantic failure and I am so stressed that I have no way of knowing whether I am to survive to the next day. My income is dependent on my doing my job well. I can only be said to be doing my job well if I am able to be trusted and supportive and, well, a pastor. How can I we cheerful? The bible says that cheerfulness comes from a joyful heart, and that a broken heart can only produce a crushed spirit. Right now I am just so incredibly crushed. I feel sorry for myself, yes, but mostly I would just like to be rid of this incredible feeling of stress and unhappiness.

Of course, there is not that alternative. It seems that God has orchestrated it so that I cannot get out of this. The people who I am dealing with have been given to me for better or for worse. They and I am going through this thing to the end. I am destined by God to grow up and go through this so I will come out in the end refined and better suited for the job. All I can rely on right now is my Lord. I have no other safe place. My wife, praise God, is wonderful. She is so supportive and encouraging. I could not have asked for more there and I thank God for her. But as far as the rest goes, all the chickens are coming to roost at once. I suppose I have asked for it. I have asked the Lord to make me grow up and right now I am just so fucking sore that I don’t know if I can stand it. But I know he is doing it because he loves me and I am his child.

So all I can ask is that he supports me through this and loves me and helps me and that I will come out on the other side better for it. And I know I will. Even if this church fails because of my broken sinfulness, I know that there will be a new day ahead when I will better able to serve him. Right now, however, I am hurting and could use some cheerfulness medicine. So Lord, let your joy flow in me. Let me know that you are for me and nobody can be against me. Let me know that you will not leave me nor forsake me. Let me know that you will provide for us even if nobody else will. God help me. I want to be cheerful. It is right, so cheer me up from the inside!

AMEN