Regardless of whether you believe your homosexuality came with you into this life or developed, this last sentence is a very important realization. Many in your position do not figure this out or, if they do, will not admit it. (a quote by a poster on Ex-Gay Watch where I wrote this.

The irony is that, in my search for identity, which manifested itself in many different efforts to conform, the “gay” identity was one of the most “real”! When I turned my back on homosexuality as a lifestyle, I abandoned that identity at the threshold of my new life. So my “new creation” identity was hardly anything more than a new attempts to earn love and acceptance through conformity. But based on an emptiness, the new identity was a often stressful and in the end was part of what caused the breakdown of the church plant I mentioned. I was trying my best to please the congregants but they saw through it. Coupled with their own “stuff” it turned toxic. That last bit is by the way, but because I was alienated from myself as I was/am, not only could I not experience God’s compassion for myself, they were not able to experience God’s compassion through me. Get it? The moment I remembered that gay self I abandoned, and saw how tenderly God saw/loved him/me, my gay identity sowed the seeds that may very well lead to greater healing! Weird, isn’t it?

This of course has great implications for others who want to transition out of homosexuality. The church may expect them to turn over a new leaf. They may be accepted as long as the gay past it truly a thing of the past. The moment that a gay identity begins to assert itself, the church may lose hope/patience and can’t figure out what to do. The gay person could feel guilty/like a failure, and lose hope. (This is not what happened to me. I never received anything less than wonderful support and understanding) Of course the first thing that is likely to happen is that the (safe/well-known) gay habits kick in. Because there is no legitimate outlet for those feelings, porn/trolling/whatever may ensue. During this extremely traumatic time (after I stepped down as pastor to take time to recover, never during my time as minister) I suddenly developed a taste for pornography. (I never “fell”, I was never caught out). Anything would do, but a lot of it was gay. Ironically this provided the first real breakthrough in my councelling process. (I am ashamed of this last bit of info, but all the key people in my life know. I have software on my computer to protect me and my family and an accountability partner who is the administrator of the software.) But in line with what I mentioned before, the likelihood is that this gay identity that manifested itself in this way, is a part of key to future growth!

I am not fooling myself that I am more than a person on a journey, but if we as “ex-gays” are honest, (and that goes for your as gays as well) we are all on a journey.

Perhaps a dream I had would illustrate. I was in a deep dark swimming pool which had all sorts of muck in it (all the issues of my past which I have to process to heal and grow). From outside the pool a sort of machine (in SA we call it a creepy-crawly – a pool-cleaning machine) was lowered into the pool and started sucking the water out of the pool. I got out of the pool, and found Glen (my lover of 5 years – the one who said I couldn’t have been gay to start with if I was going to go straight) and my wife sitting next to each other on the side of the pool. I walked up to Glen and tenderly kissed him on the mouth (non-sexually but lovingly) and then did the same to my wife. For me these two facets of me (gay and straight) were cooperating to help me grow and heal. I deeply respect Glen because he never expected me to change. He accepted me just the way I was, disco-bunny and all. (I remember another intellectual, a friend of Glen’s who was around when I met him, asking him what he saw in me. He didn’t dignify it with an answer as far as I can remember, but he stayed around and loved me for 5 lovely years) Glen introduced me to family. His parents and family all accepted him (and me) as we were. Remember that was in the 80’s!

Only recently I realised that I mourned the friendship and love I had with him, which I lost when I gave up the gay lifestyle. He was justifiably very angry with me and rejected me. (We were not together at the time. He had moved to London 2 years before). The funny thing was that when I realised that I was deeply sorrowful about the love that I had lost there (he never “sent me on my way” but we ended badly) I connected to my “gay” self and a deep healing started to occur. This person who I had become in those 12 years I was actively gay, was and is an integral part of me which I should not deny or suppress. I will carry that person with me into the future.

I must be honest, I don’t have the strength to debate. I realise that one cannot be anything without it somehow seeming like an indictment to somebody else. Our very existence as people who have made a choice against homosexuality as a preferred lifestyle choice, is perceived as an accusation by some. Of course, when we make the choice, we need to justify it. It is such a radical decision it is just as well to know why one does it . As of this moment, it is as much to do with my wife and children as anything else. Maybe more. But I wouldn’t go back. I love my wife and she and my kids are God’s greatest gift to me besides my growing sense of self-respect and love. My whole world works well the way it is. If I had to lose my family for some reason (God forbid!) I would really stay the way I am. My whole support system is heterosexual. And I don’t want to be gay. In my case it was a good plan to make sense of a chaotic childhood. I truly believe that my journey is towards heterosexuality as a by-product of Christ-likeness. And no, I don’t know if it is the same for you, but I do know that Jesus has compassion for me the way I am and for you the way you are.

Does that mean that I am sliding towards a sort of post-modern relativism as far as the whole issue goes? No, I don’t think so. I still believe that it was never God’s intention for me to be gay and also for you. I believe that homosexuality is a product of the fall, as much as anything else in this world. Make of that what you will. But I don’t think you are bad because you are gay, any more than I think I am bad because I have an over-developed desire to please people in order to be loved. It is just something I have to deal with and hope that my relationship with the Lord enables me to integrate in the most God-hornouring and people-loving way possible. (Lord! I even sound sanctimonious to myself! Pass the bag!)

A few of you have discussed the issue of whether I am actually bisexual and not innately gay. I couldn’t say for sure. The issue brings up a few points. One: I am not attracted to any other women besides my wife. Two: I am still attracted to men. This is the additional attraction that I have to manage. Three: (and this is the can of worms) I most probably am not genetically gay (if there is such a thing). There are some men who know and have always known that they are gay. I am not one of them. It never occurred to me until I was 18. But once I discovered it I took to it like a duck to water.

The can of worms reveals the following: yes, I most probably should try and overcome my father issues and in the end outgrow my same-sex attraction. But what does that mean for those of you who are genetically gay? I honestly don’t know. Does the bible make a distinction between homosexuals and people like me? They say so. Do I believe it? Not sure. Probably not. OK folks, hand out the bag of stones…!

You see why I would just like to ignore the whole issue until Jesus returns to tell us what the whole truth is?

I have taken to processing some of my stuff on Ex-Gay Watch of all places! It is also on my ExGay Talk podcast if you want to listen instead. Otherwise I will be posting it here too… here it is!

“I think however that if we are all to be honest, we can only ever reflect the part of our journey we are on. There has been a time when I resolutely called myslf “no longer under the curse of death” (read: homosexual). After that I said I was no longer gay (read: that I had revoked my choice to live a gay lifestyle). After that I started admitting that I still had same-sex attractions, but that didn’t mean that I was gay because the attractions were unwanted (and still are). Now I have moved one step further. I am in a place where I would rather stay in some sort of denial position and not say anything at all, because the issues are SO complex and it is simply not possible to reduce any person’s journey to a formula that will work for everybody. But I can tell you, that people are more important than their ideology and God thinks so too. I have been absent for quite some time, not posting on any websites and not updating my own. I have not posted any podcasts either. I have been through an extended process of mourning the loss of a church that my wife and I planted (it is not over yet…) The (extremely destructive) process through which we went has exposed many huge holes in my psyche which we are trying to sort out as we speak. (we: me, the Lord, my wife and my councellor, and my good friends!) In the process it has come to my attention that seeing people as their ideology is damaging and that Jesus cares not one whit about it. In recent time gay marriage has been ligitimised in South Africa. Do I rant and rave in the streets about what this does for the image of marriage? NO! Why? Because I know some very dear gay people and if they were to want to get married I for one wouldn’t want to be the one to say I wouldn’t attend because I care for them and I know that the Lord does too! Would I attend? I have no idea. But I would have to process my decision with them based on my care for them and my being true to what I believe. Hence I really hope that they never decide to get married (denial).

While I was in hiding, I received an email from one of the moderators of Ex-Gay Watch, asking if I was OK, since I hadn’t posted on my podcast in a while. I melted, and it affirmed for me what is to be my guiding principle as long as I remain vaguely sane: Jesus was (and is) concerned with people and their hearts and feelings and so I should be.

I have a lot more to say, and I will say it here to you as well as on my podcast as time goes by. This is enough for now. I will be updating my website since it is outdated and doesn’t reflect where I am now. It would be more honest for it to reflect a developing journey, rather than a destination. God help me as I grow. And you too!”

I have been looking around at some blogs. This is really the most amazing tool. Everybody gets to say their say. I suppose that it takes a certain type of person to blog. Not everybody could be bothered to put stuff out there in the vain hope that somebody might just see it and say something about it. And then there is the chance that they may say something negative about your blog and then…well.

“anyhoo” as my nephew says…

I came across a blog (or rather a little network of blogs) of a gay guy (and his friends) in London. He had some stuff to say.The Dangerous Man he calls himself. He makes a whole lot of statements which from his perspective are quite reasonable. Stuff like religion is irrelevant. He also talks about gay marriage and stuff like that. I gave in to the temptation to say something and then realised that there is little that i can say that will be understood as it was intended. When you say something that has relevance outside of the context that it comments on, then it almost always runs the risk of sounding petty/narrow-minded/old-fashioned… you fill in the blank. There is almost no way for me to say something from my perspective as an ExGay Christian without sounding as if I have lost the plot.

So does one say anything? Well I think so and I hope that we can get over ourselves enough to…well, to what? Is it worth it? What’s the point? Because what i have to say is not politically correct and that is the criteria at the moment. Religion is passe, and that’s that. But I suppose that this is the nature of what I have become. I am irrelevent to the world. The Bible says I would. All that I say can be interpreted in a way that will make me look foolish and unsophisticated. I have to live with that. There is actually no way to speak across the divide. Because I break the one cardinal rule: I believe in an absolute. And that’s not “nice”, or cool. I have to come and spoil everybody’s fun by saying that there’s a right way and a wrong way. Bummer!

REJECTION

I don’t believe that after 7 years you could just discard me because I choose a different life. Honestly I would have thought that you’d be happy for me. It’s not like we shared a life together anymore. I suppose you believed that in choosing against your lifestyle I chose against you… have you never heard of agree to disagree? Surely you loved ME and not my lifestyle? It’s not as If I cheated on you by going straight? We were not lovers anymore!!!

GLEN SHELTON you have hurt me. “Fuck off all you straights” you said. It cut me deep, I have to admit after 14 years. But now I know that a monogamous relationship of 5 years with somebody who is yr whole life, doesn’t just end with that little phrase. And that I still care is obvious to me. I have searched the internet for you at times, wondering if somewhere there is a mention of you that could lead me to you. I still care about you even though I married J, because you are a person and not a sexual orientation even though YOU would like things to be that simple and complicated.

So what shall I say now? Have a good life…? I hope you didn’t get AIDS or die of lung cancer? What I hope for most of all is that you will overcome your deep hurt at your dad’s rejection and not discard others as you have been discarded. People are not disposable. I am learning that at my great cost.