I have been reading a book called Out Of Church Christians and one part
of it refers to the “Wilderness Experience” and how it is biblical and how
people believe that they have been called out of church structures to unlearn
stuff and come back with a “new revelation” and it seems to me to be more of
the same old same old. God did reveal himself to people in Jesus. He doesn’t
need us to get any new revelations until we get the old revelation. All this
stuff about revelations is more Gnostic stuff (spiritualising practical stuff
because it is believed that spiritual is somehow better than physical) that is
deflecting the true message of Jesus that was reflected so graphically in the
story in the New Testament about the rich young ruler (Matt 19.21). This man
asked what he must do to inherit the kingdom and he knew the answer taught in
the Bible. He kept those. But additionally Jesus added that he had to give away
all he had and follow Jesus. He couldn’t. Jesus shows us a radical way and
though many are called, few are chosen, because until you can you are not a
true disciple. We find al sorts of ways to justify not being faithful to him.
Our possessions prove where our hearts lie. If we could all live like this then
we would change the world in a heartbeat. But we can’t so we won’t.

I am not saying I have the faith for this.
I do know that churches spend a lot of time teaching ways to get around this.
One of the ways is that we are taught it is all about eternal life. We are saved
for heaven by believing in Jesus. But believing in Jesus means believing what
he said is true and he said we shouldn’t worry too much about possessions but
have faith in him and his saying that we should first seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness, which is
countercultural, transforming our culture by being different. We aren’t. Our
culture and the culture of the world thus far, have been about “taking care of
number one”. So we make it about heaven and instead of transforming the world
one person at a time as he did, we get them to say a little prayer that will
“save” them and leave them to die in their poverty because he blesses the poor.

We ignore scriptures like the one about the
sheep and the goats or spiritualise them somehow to make sure they don’t refer
to us. But it is clear that Jesus said “if you love me you will obey my
commands”. Which ones? His most important bit of teaching is the Sermon on the
Mount which is almost entirely about people other than the average Christian.
What does this say to us? Am I being overboard? I suppose I am according to the
definition of most churches.

The wilderness experience also seems to be
about getting closer to God and experiencing his presence, worshipping him more
fully and so on and so on. Jesus spoke about a generation that would worship
him in spirit and in truth. I am sure he had had enough of people who danced
around the altar and then went away and treated others badly and lived in
luxury while others starved. He spoke out against those people: us. We mouth
cute Christian platitudes and disobey him by hoarding against our old age while
others starve.

God help me. I am speaking like a lunatic.

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This morning while I was thinking about stuff and reading…the Bible
(Hey even Muslims read it now and then!) I was thinking that, if one is
in leadership and one observes behaviour that is potentially harmful in
one of your leaders that you are trusting to go out and do some more of
the same work, then it is not enough to just tell the person that they
have a “potentially fatal flaw” and to watch out for it. One has the
responsibility to help that person get behind what the cause is of this
flaw, and help them to sort it out. And if it is serious enough, stop
them from doing what is bound to expose others to this flaw, or at
least monitor them until you are sure that it is not going to be
destructive.

Am I right? Anything less would not only be irresponsible.

I have made the same mistake. I released somebody to preach and
invited them to be part of a leadership team when all I really wanted
was to win them over and to maximise their potential. Eventually I had
to uninvite them because it turned out that they were not suitable for
the job, because of 2 things, one was they had too much baggage at that
time, and the other was a clash in values. Both of them serious. It
caused a lot of hurt in them just loaded more hurt onto their already
fragile psyche.

It is not enough to just take a ce la vie attitude with that
because although the Lord uses the Romans 8.28 principle when we mess
up, and this inevitably srfaces a lot of stuff in us that needs to be
dealt with, and should be dealt with, people get hurt.

I think that is why the Bible says that we shouldn’t lay hands on
somebody too soon. We hurt them and no matter how gifted they are, it
can only end in tears.

…..This is what makes me so distrustful of the principle of leadership per se. There is just too much that can go wrong.

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I think we have to forget about the obsession with organised efforts to
conform Christians. That CAN often be less about discipleship and more
about money, power, spiritual laziness, and the effort to be part of a
Hegemony where we are not challenged. Our efforts would be better spend
with personal transformation which will hopefully lead to
transformation of society. If groups of people who are dedicated to
becoming like Christ, meet and infiltrate society with grace and
compassion, being counter-cultural as we reflect an alternative of
caring and sacrifice, we will be closer to Jesus and his disciples,
whom he laid hands on to spread the word and the deed.

It is a challenge for me. Everything is in the Bible abut how to
be. If we started only with the sermon on the mount and applied that
consistently, we would find that the church (as Jesus defined it=
something against which the gates of hell would not prevail) would be
what it was supposed to be, a personal manifestation of a spiritual
transformation that would establish the reign of Christ on the earth!

But that would mean that I would have to take seriously my
availability to Christ’s internal transformation process and leave
behind my laziness and give up my excuses and become yeast, salt, light!

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This morning I am horrified at what I said about leaders yesterday, even if it is of necessity true. We cannot help incarnating our brokenness (wounding, sin whatever you want to call it) into our ministries. Our ministries are often manifestations of our own desire to gain significance. It is human and I have done it and am even more horrified now that I see some of the fruits of what I did with the best of intentions.

is the answer to not have organised church? I don’t think so, it is impossible to avoid some form of organisation. But the burden of pain and despair that is caused by church structures and people who are in leadership positions in such structures is the issue and I wish I knew the answer. There are MANY people who have drifted away from church as a result. Not all of them are pathetic little people who are living out their rebellion and wounding in a bitter and acidic rant against the church and leaders. Many have legitimate problems with the inevitable momentum of the juggernaut called church structure, when good intentions and the “seeing through a glass darkly” mix to apply discipline and then simple pride and ignorance mix to inhibit genuine reconciliation. It is a human condition and it seems like the joke God played on us, because there is no way we can get it right.

GGRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!RACE!!! GRACE!!!

We need grace. We need to accept that it is set up so that we will need him and never forget it and will have to be like him and not count every slight as he didn’t and count it and choose to face the hurt and desolation of human relationships and inhale the fragrance of  dependence on him and knowing there is no way to avoid it but to do what we have to do in any case.

I wish I had the answer but I don’t. In the meantime I will choose the route of transformation, where I depend on him, and eat the bitter scroll.

Have mercy on us Lord! Maranatha! Come Lord jesus, come!

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Dallas Willard says the following:in his book “Renovation of the heart”:

“We must clearly understand that there is a rigorous consistency in the human self and its actions. This is one of the things we are most likely to deceive ourselves about. If I do evil, I am the kind of person who does evil; if I do good, I am the kind of person who does good (1 John 3:7-10) Actions are expression of who we are. They come out of the heart.

One of the most common rationalizations of sin or folly today is ‘Oh, I just blew it.’ While there is some point to such a remark, it is not the one those who use it hope for. It does not exonerate them. While it may be true that there are circumstances in which I would not have done the foolish or sinful thing I did, and while what I did may not represent me fully, ‘Blowing it’ does represent me fully. I am the kind of person who ‘blows it’. “Blowing it’ shows who I am as a person. I am, through and through, the kind of person who ‘blows it’ — hardly a lovely and promising thing to be.”

What do you think of this? Is it uncompromising? Is it unfair? Is it true? After all, Jesus says that a good tree cannot bring forth bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bring forth good fruit. (Matt 7.17) What does this “truth” do to your soul? Does it make you angry, feel guilty, hopeless? Hopeful? Since, surely if Jesus said that, he had to have some hope that it could be possible that we could be people that don’t ‘blow it’!

I find this quite challenging! I am angry when I hear it. I am rebellious. Where is the grace? where is the hope. How could I possibly be such a person? Everybody that I know that doesn’t occasionally ‘blow it’ is an unbearable and infuriating PAIN! All my life I have been a person who blows it. I would like to be a person who doesn’t, not because it would be a notch in my belt, but because somebody who doesn’t blow it would be like Jesus: and most likely I wouldn’t be a person who hurts others.

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a cold fear
hedged my heart in
harsh words
of running away
i set my jaw
losing you is here again
like so many times
somebody says they’ll leave
but this time i’ll not
protect my heart
i’ll take it on the chin
 and me a man
i’ll take it on the chin
pain cries in many voices
not l of them mine
we’ll pick up the pieces
because we love

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I was thinking yesterday in a rare moment of clarity: The church is my family regardless of whether I agree with the way it happens. So the onus is on me to engage and to get to know people in a way that will enable me to trust them enough to actually attend a home cell and learn to trust again and get /receive ministry. Inside this Home Cell I can ask the questions about form. But I need this family. Without them I will die. I love the church because come hell or high water, Jesus loves his bride and HE WILL PRESENT HER WITHOUT SPOT OR WRINKLE. If he can’t do it neighetr can I and I have to trust him to fulfil his word. He said he will build his church. It is because we try and do it that it is a stuff-up. So here I go again into the fray. I will have to make some changes in my life to do this. But it feels right and it will hurt but… well, that is who I am now. A part of this family. For better or worse.

COMMENTS?

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It is nice when people who you have not seen or hard from contact you after a long time. I am always somehow in the position that I keep track of people or would like to keep track of them but somehow they don’t seem to have the same need. Then I perceive their attitude as rejection.I am trying to get over that now. I have just yesterday heard from friends who have been in the USA for sometime now and whom I have struggled to hear from! It makes me happy. Friends are too few and far between to let go so easily. It is a risk because they may/may not respond, but it is worth it because it is so easy to stay in touch! Nice to hear from you Sumi and I hope your husband responds now that he has my details! You can see Sumi’s blog here

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Of course now that I am finding out who I am I realise that there were times when I knew more than I know now. Isn’t it sad that we should sacrifice parts of ourselves in order to try and become what other people should expect of us? One of the things that I instinctively knew before and that I sacrificed in order to be “responsible”, was my need to do more than one thing to be “fulfilled”.

I was made in a particular way… I need to do many things that use different gifts. I paint, and sculpt and write and perform and worship and and and… The most recent thing that I may try and restore to my armoury is performance. I am thinking of auditioning for a show again. Due to circumstances I may gt the opportunity. I feel a bit scared of it since, the last time I performed, I was a young guy who played the juve leads on stage. You can see my CV here. You will notice that I have done quite a bit, but now, where would I fit in? I am now older and less likely to be playing leads. Or who knows? Perhaps I am selling myself short. Only time will tell. But the bottom line is that I will have to get my voice in shape again. I have not sung in that kind of arena since 1993. But as one of my students says: “I need a little bit of feeding for my soul”. And one of the things I realize is that this is the way I was made and the Lord REVELS in it and wants me to as well. So I will! WATCH THIS SPACE!

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Yesterday I flew to Durban to be with my dad who turned 80. This in itself was feat of quite some extraordinary magic as only the Lord can produce. Through a most amazing circumstance I have reestablished contact with an old lover from times gone by, and some healing occurred. During a councelling session with my shrink processing this led to some memories about my dad coming up. In processing these, I came to the unthinkable insight that my father may not always thoughtlessly have been out to hurt and belittle me. Perhaps some of what he did he did with the genuine desire to spend time with me and do good to me. (Sure he did some stupid things, but even those he only did because he was wired that way: I know how often I have hurt my own kids in the same way!)

So the upshot of it was that yesterday I spent the day with him alone. We talked and drank some wine and had a meal and so on, and besides the fact that I think much healing occurred in me which I will only see realised in the years to come, I know he enjoyed it and it valued him in ways I never imagined.

Only a week ago this would have seemed impossible. Through a confluence of circumstance to strange to describe, the Lord has reconnected me with an ex (who remains such!) and through the contributions of my brother and sister, we had a great day with minimal inconvenience on a practical level.

I think that now we will be relating as adults more than as blamed adult and hurt child. Who knows where the future will lead?!