its all supposed to be
verry verry jolly
the new year is at hand
great
but deep inside my heart
the fear pools coldly
if only i could stop
stop
If only I could
if only I
If only
If

meaning comes and goes
there’s never enough of it
its like lunch
you seem to need it once day
I mean how much can one person eat?
what do we do over and over again
that we should need so much refilling
?

I feel so empty
I can’t even think pretty
I feel so
THUD
every morning when I wake up
when will it end?
I have so much
to thank God for
and yet again
I slide
down-down

I think it has to do
with starting all over again
every time I take time off
i remember how much effort
it takes to just go on
i suppose when i get going again
it will be better
but there’s no guarantee
oh well
what choice do I have
but only to believe
it will someday get better.

but moving swiftly along
before you call a shrink
God, preserve me from myself
there’s somebody out to get me
hold me before he succeeds.
i won’t do his job for him
but only barely.
does just dying count?

I hate it when this happens
Just when I thought I had the answer
the question strikes back
and morphs again to be
something different again

WHAT’S THE EFFING QUESTION?

So needy I seem to be
so much I hate that state
I beg for crumbs
from those to which
I least want to appear needy.

I can’t help it
This poem is going wrong
maybe its not an effing poem anyway
maybe its just a confession/ranting
of a confused, angry
46 year old
white
Afrikaans
not-so-x gay man

I used to be able to sing John Denver’s songs
Until I learned to sing
effing thousands of Rands
spent to become the world’s greatest tenor
Now I struggle to catch
that wonderful free melody
that he spins so easily
what a bummer.

jesus please come soon
If I don’t recapture that joy that’s past
I’d better find some new joy
Otherwise I will go mad

sistematise veralangens
in die holtes van my murg gevang
gehokkie in segmente
saam met honderdduisend stukkies bang
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerde verduur

verledeblare dirtel-dartel neer
op sedimente van my gisterhart seer
rooibruin die vuur wat in baie tinte brand
en verlangens koester
soos ‘n uurglas sonder sand

bykorfelemente van ‘n sirkelsimfonie
al draaiend in die ronde soos ‘n passieparodie
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerte verduur
word
word in donkerte verduur
in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduur

o fok

My heart

Like and apple

Eaten by fear

Mouthful by mouthful

Consumed by terror

Fear relishes my life

The juice of me

And I shrink

The essence of me

Fuel to the fear

Oh God

Keep me safe

Hold me safe

Protect my heart

Safe from shrinking into

Nothingness

Disappeared I am

Out of focus

Trembling on the brink

Of the void

I need you so

Your love

My apple

Shining before me

Gleaming with good

Gleaming with God

I eat you my God

I taste you are sweet

You nourish my heart

You feed my frail existence

I hold onto you

Like an anchor in the night.

The Presence of God

As I sit here, the beating of my heart,
the ebb and flow of my breathing, the movements of my mind
are all signs of God’s ongoing creation of me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of this presence of God within me.

WELCOME Lord

I open the sluices a little.

I see the rosy touch of dawn

Trembling warmly

Palely

Wan in the morning mists

Your light reflects off my mind

I respond to you alone

All that you are

And all that I am

We dance in gentle concert

We feel each other out

Remembering yesterday

And heralding

This day’s communion

My God

You are so welcome

When you are there

I drain my heart

Of every bitter taint

Every horrid taste

Of hell’s unwelcome guilt

Your standard never shifts

Now this

Now something else

But still and sure

You remain my measure

Your love is ever sure

Your life and death

Are ever there

The first and last of all

The jot and tittles fixed

I bless your coming love

the joy is fragile

it trembles tenderly

a new-born notion

that everything is not

dangerously transient

that

in every magic moment

a let-down lurks

so my heart still welcomes

those well-aimed darts

that seek out the unhealed heart

those little particles of pain

where my old self still hungers —

I take my heart in hand

And still my taunting thoughts

Their history a vivid memory

Of almost-fatal falls

Yet again I dodge the daggers

Aimed at my deepest deeps

And trudge with grim resolve

To find a breathless peace

All this to make the space

for

A presence full of healing

He who restores and comforts

Who carries me some more.

Love beckons

Love calls

Love receives

Love loves.

I welcome love

I love love

And love loves me.

Still

Until I can accustom

My ever-fearing self

That there will be a time

When I will fully know

That joy is deep and lasting

That love is strong

And true

I hope he will still humour

My need to have him say

“I love you, my beloved

Just be in my embrace

It’s safe here in the darkness.

Abide, abide

Yes, stay”

The Presence of God

As I sit here at my computer, God is here.
Around me, in my sensations, in my thoughts and deep within me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of God’s life-giving presence.

welcome jesus
it is still fresh in my memory the last time i was with you like this. i was so surprised to feel your love for me. your genuine pleasure to see me and to be with me. i let myself feel your joy. what a strange thought! glad to see me! i could get used to this!i could be changed by this! my heart is thick with something i don’t recognise too well. pleasure. somebody else’s pleasure. you don’t need me. you just like being with me. for its own sake. i feel about a foot taller

Freedom

God is not foreign to my freedom.
Instead the Spirit breathes life into my most intimate desires,
gently nudging me towards all that is good.
I ask for the grace to let myself be enfolded by the Spirit.

the best me i can be. you want for me what i would want if i were whole. i sink back into what that would mean. you are hoping for me: that someday i may be free to experience life without fear. you are so amazing! life with you is so amazing! you are my Lord and i love it! not bending into trying to please me because you do not need my affirmation to be right. you just are because you are perfect. and within that i sink back into being in that safe place. Good God! how blessed is this moment… no guilt; you’ve taken care of that! no fear of the future; you’ve got my life and fate in your hands!only hope; i am friends with the most High! talking about friends with influence. bring out the best in me Father! i free you to be God to me.

Consciousness

How am I really feeling? Lighthearted? Heavy-hearted?
I may be very much at peace, happy to be here.
Equally, I may be frustrated, worried or angry.
I acknowledge how I really am. It is the real me that the Lord loves.

joyous! not exuberantly so, but feeling safe, peaceful. God you are so good!

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

Matthew 11:20-24

Then Jesus began to reproach the cities in which most of his deeds of power had been done, because they did not repent. “Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes. But I tell you, on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for Tyre and Sidon than for you. And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? No, you will be brought down to Hades. For if the deeds of power done in you had been done in Sodom, it would have remained until this day. But I tell you that on the day of judgment it will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom than for you.”

What are you saying to me, Lord?

Let me not be ignorant of your goodness Lord! Let me respond to your coaxing and your leading. I am your sheep and you are my shepherd, lead me. Let me not disdain your gentle nudging. let me not harden my heart and become numb to what you are saying to me. Come Spirit! do the work of the father in me. make me a vessel for the most High! soften me to your touch. let me tremble at even a whisper! oh blessed God…you are so amazing to me…

Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God’s presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.

don’t leave me jesus, i love to be with you. i really want to practise your presence more and more. i want to be living out of you. out of your love and the joy of being loved: please let me not forget this…drench me with your presence. I LOVE YOU! this is the best place HALLELUJAH!

Conclusion

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end. AMEN

the future always looms
possibilities
problems in disguise
problems
possibilities in disguise
the cure?
live one day at a time
ever present
pray for today
he is God of
the now
the was
and the will be
we are people floating ever
on the edge of eternity
the wave
where only
our next move
can make a difference
maktub…
it is writtenso relax and let him be God
i sure as hell aren’t

From Sacred Space Daily Devotional

The Presence of God

To be present is to arrive as one is and open up to the other. At this instant, as I arrive here, God is present waiting for me. God always arrives before me, desiring to connect with me even more than my most intimate friend. I take a moment and greet my loving God.

You have to have been here even when I am strung out because my child is crying, teeth coming thru. I know you have to be capable of receiving me as I am; that my tension and anger are no impediment to you. I present myself to you, lover of my soul, You have been waiting for me: prepared with the heart that is geared towards MY needs. “While we were yet sinners…”

So here I am. I breathe your acceptance of me deep into my fibres. Your love washes over me. I am here, I am now, I am present for you as you are present for me. Well Met, God of all!

Freedom

There are very few people
who realise what God would make of them
if they abandoned themselves into his hands,
and let themselves be formed by his grace. (St Ignatius)
I ask for the grace to trust myself totally to God’s love.

The things I cannot order and ordain…everything… I entrust to you. Your hopes for me, your fondest dreams, I would so dearly like to be those things. But trapped between my fear of not achieving what I can, and my inability to orchestrate my highest potential, I float forever suspended in the vacuum of mediocrity. Rescue me father! Pluck success from the jaws of failure and do with me! Let me suck of your milk of grace. The nourishment you provide manifest due to my need. My need manifest due to your provision. The true ying and yang. I eat of you again, my God, hoping that as I succumb to the call of compassion I will be enabled to digest your goodness…

Let me abandon myself to you!

Consciousness

Knowing that God loves me unconditionally,
I look honestly over the last day, its events and my feelings.
Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
Is there something I am sorry for? Then I ask forgiveness.

Thank you Father for my friends. You have given me real friends who are a balm for my weary soul. They are truly the epitome of your grace for me. Their love speaks to me of your care. I revel in it, and sing in my heart of your love for me. Why do they love me? I struggle to fathom except to know at the surface that you have given me to them. Somehow our lives are enriched by each other. How your body functions. Building up, consoling, encouraging. Thank you God for my friends!

Forgive me for the mean streak in me. Forgive me for hurting J, weak and innocent as he is. Pure emotion and instinct as he is, I lash out at him. He doesn’t deserve it and I am so sorry. Wash me clean of my hatefulness. He deserves so much better.

My petty responses to D & J C, oh how sad and insignificant my little rages. How easily I am touched where it hurts. I choose to respond, not react. How far from shepherd I am… Ungracious and small… FORGIVE ME

The Word
I take my time to read the Word of God, slowly, a few times,
allowing myself to dwell on anything that strikes me.

My right to have a thin skin and revenge… I give that up. I lay it down for your sake, knowing that you are the pearl of great price. Selling everything for you…I walk after you and follow you wherever you may go. You are my great reward. You are my great prize. I cannot DO anything to deserve you. But I must lose everything else. I must choose to forsake all that stands between me and you. So I breathe deeply the loss of rights. I breathe deeply the sweet absence of things. And I clutch sincerely to your hem, knowing that where you go there is LIFE! Jesus, sweet lover of my soul. Beautiful redeemer. Saving me from the paltry prize of insignificance by stripping me of all I would naturally be and bestowing upon me the boon of godliness. amazing Conversation

Remembering that I am still in God’s presence,
I imagine Jesus himself standing or sitting beside me,
and say whatever is on my mind, whatever is in my heart,
speaking as one friend to another.amazing that you love me, that you want me. it blows my mind. and you will never go away. you just look at me and there is love in your eyes. it burns my heart. it wrenches me out of my measly reality and i lurch into heaven, dissembled and deranged: a creature out of its element. you watch as i stare, scared of retribution that i have ventured into such rarefied atmosphere, and slowly realise that alien as i am, this is my universe; close to you. your compassion is… so strange to me.

“hush”

“hush”

how different i would be if i could come to believe that you know me yet love me. no shadow of rejection. no rumour of desertion.

just you and me forever.

selah

ConclusionGlory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
world without end.

AMEN

I have often thought of why it is so easy to cry about a beautiful sunset of some classical music, or to allow my heart to be melted by some poignant moment on TV in a series, when my heart is so numb to my real deep pain and anguish. Now that I am trying to reach my deepest heart to expose the roots of my anger, I find that I can’t. This superficial release I suppose keeps me sane, but at the same time is the barrier between me and real emotional growth.

Sentimentality is the shadow of emotion. Real emotion released produces growth because it hurts. Sentimentality produces no life because it cooperates with the movement of death in us. Entropy. When we don’t grow we do not stagnate, we die. Every opportunity missed for real growth is a tragedy. Denial is not stasis: it is an opportunity missed.

dunno…

Everything takes work. If you love somebody you have to cultivate them. It’s the law of the universe. Entropy. Anything left to its own devices will degenerate. Put that together with an innate human propensity towards laziness and you have a potential disaster. And I am not talking about my marriage, in spite of the image here (that’s just to symbolise the eternal love of God…and marriage which is forever) Maybe it is just me.

Funny that the other aspect that is potentially disastrous is that God is invisible and doesn’t always push himself under our noses. He is ok to wait for us while we sneak off to other watering holes and “quench’ our thirst. He works behind the scenes, yes, but it can be too easy to fill our hearts with other stuff at the expense of our relationships with him. I think this particular case is easier to explain because when we are faced with him, he requires of us that we constantly look inwards and doesn’t let us get away with moral, mental, spiritual laziness. Disturbing and uncomfortable. So unless we are pleased to really look at ourselves and be prepared to change in uncomfortable ways, we should probably avoid him. But rather look at myself a bit at a time than to see the whole awful lot holus bolus when I am faced with him one day, as I inevitably will be.

Funny that he is not content to be an incidental pastime. That’s why he says that he wants all of us. “All you heart, mind and strength”. That sounds like everything. I have pictures of myself sort groaning and sweating, willing myself to love him, when actually he just wants us to direct LIVING at him. The rest will follow. Ah, God… such an eccentric character, not so? So out of pace with reality.

I couldn’t be more relieved. Because his commitment is the same as he requires from us. Now THAT’S a good thing. I need somebody to come thru for me.