a cold fear
hedged my heart in
harsh words
of running away
i set my jaw
losing you is here again
like so many times
somebody says they’ll leave
but this time i’ll not
protect my heart
i’ll take it on the chin
 and me a man
i’ll take it on the chin
pain cries in many voices
not l of them mine
we’ll pick up the pieces
because we love

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its all supposed to be
verry verry jolly
the new year is at hand
great
but deep inside my heart
the fear pools coldly
if only i could stop
stop
If only I could
if only I
If only
If

meaning comes and goes
there’s never enough of it
its like lunch
you seem to need it once day
I mean how much can one person eat?
what do we do over and over again
that we should need so much refilling
?

I feel so empty
I can’t even think pretty
I feel so
THUD
every morning when I wake up
when will it end?
I have so much
to thank God for
and yet again
I slide
down-down

I think it has to do
with starting all over again
every time I take time off
i remember how much effort
it takes to just go on
i suppose when i get going again
it will be better
but there’s no guarantee
oh well
what choice do I have
but only to believe
it will someday get better.

but moving swiftly along
before you call a shrink
God, preserve me from myself
there’s somebody out to get me
hold me before he succeeds.
i won’t do his job for him
but only barely.
does just dying count?

I hate it when this happens
Just when I thought I had the answer
the question strikes back
and morphs again to be
something different again

WHAT’S THE EFFING QUESTION?

So needy I seem to be
so much I hate that state
I beg for crumbs
from those to which
I least want to appear needy.

I can’t help it
This poem is going wrong
maybe its not an effing poem anyway
maybe its just a confession/ranting
of a confused, angry
46 year old
white
Afrikaans
not-so-x gay man

I used to be able to sing John Denver’s songs
Until I learned to sing
effing thousands of Rands
spent to become the world’s greatest tenor
Now I struggle to catch
that wonderful free melody
that he spins so easily
what a bummer.

jesus please come soon
If I don’t recapture that joy that’s past
I’d better find some new joy
Otherwise I will go mad

sistematise veralangens
in die holtes van my murg gevang
gehokkie in segmente
saam met honderdduisend stukkies bang
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerde verduur

verledeblare dirtel-dartel neer
op sedimente van my gisterhart seer
rooibruin die vuur wat in baie tinte brand
en verlangens koester
soos ‘n uurglas sonder sand

bykorfelemente van ‘n sirkelsimfonie
al draaiend in die ronde soos ‘n passieparodie
verdraaide woord vergader
in my polsende plesier
al my duistere emosies word in donkerte verduur
word
word in donkerte verduur
in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduur
word in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduurword in donkerte verduur

o fok

Its weird
to find
that I
have lost
so much
that was
myself

its strange
but I
have set
out to
discover
who
I am

so here’s
to me
the way
I am
I revel
in
the sum

who am
I then
that I
should argue
with
the Lord’s
own Son?

How gracious He is
How infinitely kind!
Pity we beat ourselves up
with the clubs placed in our hands
By our parents and loved ones
Thinking it is His wish.

When I saw His compassion
for me as I am
I am able to love myself just a bit.
If only I could remember that feeling forever
How different just living
would be…

It is an unveiling
a dawning of feeling
so long shoved to one side
so long just ignored.
But out comes identity
And out comes compassion
And out comes the real me
I wouldn’t accept.

Unfolding of sorrow
Unfolding of grace
Unfolding revealing
So much underneath

A new beginning
yet returning to old sites
deserted in error
before they were done

So I chew through the debris
And discover a beating
Heart of the present
Forgotten forgotten
forgetting forgot
A real transformation
Not a mask for the others
Who never requested
That I should change.

How tender His love is
How gracious His heart
Surprising His mercy
Today

Back again, but different
Now I am stripped
of my pseudo-me
hauled out of the service
to others.
Asked to step down
I expected an agony
instead I felt joy
being out from that burden

Which burden was that?
You may ask
The one that the Lord put there?
The answer is “no”
It’s the one that I took on me
To earn the life-right
to earn the right to live

So few fathers before
So many crowd me now
Trying to please them
Has sucked me quite dry
I know they didn’t ask it
The rules are quite simple
Just listen to God
He speaks through US.

That’s unfair I know
I know that I signed up
Hoping that it would make me someone
Hoping that pleasing the people would prove
I was nice
Well it didn’t work, see
They hated me anyway
And saw right through me
Even though I tried hard

Well. I have learned my lesson
I will now be myself.
I will now try no longer
To satisfy…
In the meantime I long
just to sleep for a whole week
Or even two
To just forget about life for a while.
I take it in installments
Holding out a bit longer
Gets me 2 minutes of oblivion
Where I can escape into whatever
As long as its far.
And the anger still simmers
Now just near the surface
God help me top sort it
before it sorts me

My heart

Like and apple

Eaten by fear

Mouthful by mouthful

Consumed by terror

Fear relishes my life

The juice of me

And I shrink

The essence of me

Fuel to the fear

Oh God

Keep me safe

Hold me safe

Protect my heart

Safe from shrinking into

Nothingness

Disappeared I am

Out of focus

Trembling on the brink

Of the void

I need you so

Your love

My apple

Shining before me

Gleaming with good

Gleaming with God

I eat you my God

I taste you are sweet

You nourish my heart

You feed my frail existence

I hold onto you

Like an anchor in the night.

My morning Father,

My morning Lord

My all-time creator

Tenderly I touch

Tremulously I try

To find your presence.

You are near

I know

You are here

And I must just tune my taste

To find that you are good

Again

Still

And always were and will be

Here is no part of you

That is not good

No corner

Crouching

All of you

Is my food

Is my nourishment

You feed my heart

On your ever-green love

You are a tree

That will always bear fruit

You are a river

That never dries

Sustaining always

Sempre

Always

O my heart

My inner core

My joy wells up

My heart awakes!

As I flush into glowing life

Again!

The Presence of God

As I sit here, the beating of my heart,
the ebb and flow of my breathing, the movements of my mind
are all signs of God’s ongoing creation of me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of this presence of God within me.

WELCOME Lord

I open the sluices a little.

I see the rosy touch of dawn

Trembling warmly

Palely

Wan in the morning mists

Your light reflects off my mind

I respond to you alone

All that you are

And all that I am

We dance in gentle concert

We feel each other out

Remembering yesterday

And heralding

This day’s communion

My God

You are so welcome

When you are there

I drain my heart

Of every bitter taint

Every horrid taste

Of hell’s unwelcome guilt

Your standard never shifts

Now this

Now something else

But still and sure

You remain my measure

Your love is ever sure

Your life and death

Are ever there

The first and last of all

The jot and tittles fixed

I bless your coming love

I

You presence within

I reach out/in

And awareness bleeds

Slowly at first

Into my mind

Me heart is next

Sniffing the wind

Where is my God

Where is he now?

Follow the trail

Of joy

Abba? Abba?

I’ve lost your scent

Where are you,

God my Father?

I wait

You have not yet

Left me unattended

Never once that I have called

Have I remained alone

Then I look down

I feel the rhythm

I see you there

Carrying me all along

II

Welcome!

Well met my God!

I leap within my heart

Your eyes are there

Sweet joy reflecting

You gaze into my heart

No shadow there

To mar our moment

Awake, I see your pleasure!

And I respond

Well met indeed!

You are my love

And lover still.

III

The old impediments

Guilt, fear and pain

Seem far away from me

Since I woke up

Since I tuned in

To how you think

Of me…

I thank you now

I thank you then

Both in the past

And coming

You make

You’ve made

Will make me

Me

Creation

Unadorned

Unashamed

Just me