I have been reading a book called Out Of Church Christians and one part
of it refers to the “Wilderness Experience” and how it is biblical and how
people believe that they have been called out of church structures to unlearn
stuff and come back with a “new revelation” and it seems to me to be more of
the same old same old. God did reveal himself to people in Jesus. He doesn’t
need us to get any new revelations until we get the old revelation. All this
stuff about revelations is more Gnostic stuff (spiritualising practical stuff
because it is believed that spiritual is somehow better than physical) that is
deflecting the true message of Jesus that was reflected so graphically in the
story in the New Testament about the rich young ruler (Matt 19.21). This man
asked what he must do to inherit the kingdom and he knew the answer taught in
the Bible. He kept those. But additionally Jesus added that he had to give away
all he had and follow Jesus. He couldn’t. Jesus shows us a radical way and
though many are called, few are chosen, because until you can you are not a
true disciple. We find al sorts of ways to justify not being faithful to him.
Our possessions prove where our hearts lie. If we could all live like this then
we would change the world in a heartbeat. But we can’t so we won’t.

I am not saying I have the faith for this.
I do know that churches spend a lot of time teaching ways to get around this.
One of the ways is that we are taught it is all about eternal life. We are saved
for heaven by believing in Jesus. But believing in Jesus means believing what
he said is true and he said we shouldn’t worry too much about possessions but
have faith in him and his saying that we should first seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness, which is
countercultural, transforming our culture by being different. We aren’t. Our
culture and the culture of the world thus far, have been about “taking care of
number one”. So we make it about heaven and instead of transforming the world
one person at a time as he did, we get them to say a little prayer that will
“save” them and leave them to die in their poverty because he blesses the poor.

We ignore scriptures like the one about the
sheep and the goats or spiritualise them somehow to make sure they don’t refer
to us. But it is clear that Jesus said “if you love me you will obey my
commands”. Which ones? His most important bit of teaching is the Sermon on the
Mount which is almost entirely about people other than the average Christian.
What does this say to us? Am I being overboard? I suppose I am according to the
definition of most churches.

The wilderness experience also seems to be
about getting closer to God and experiencing his presence, worshipping him more
fully and so on and so on. Jesus spoke about a generation that would worship
him in spirit and in truth. I am sure he had had enough of people who danced
around the altar and then went away and treated others badly and lived in
luxury while others starved. He spoke out against those people: us. We mouth
cute Christian platitudes and disobey him by hoarding against our old age while
others starve.

God help me. I am speaking like a lunatic.

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How gracious He is
How infinitely kind!
Pity we beat ourselves up
with the clubs placed in our hands
By our parents and loved ones
Thinking it is His wish.

When I saw His compassion
for me as I am
I am able to love myself just a bit.
If only I could remember that feeling forever
How different just living
would be…

It is an unveiling
a dawning of feeling
so long shoved to one side
so long just ignored.
But out comes identity
And out comes compassion
And out comes the real me
I wouldn’t accept.

Unfolding of sorrow
Unfolding of grace
Unfolding revealing
So much underneath

A new beginning
yet returning to old sites
deserted in error
before they were done

So I chew through the debris
And discover a beating
Heart of the present
Forgotten forgotten
forgetting forgot
A real transformation
Not a mask for the others
Who never requested
That I should change.

How tender His love is
How gracious His heart
Surprising His mercy
Today

Dear God
I can see how I have failed. I can see what is held before me. but the cracks in me are so deep and so profound that i have no hope of being repaired. i cannot be perfect. even the thought of nor making mistakes. the mere thought of not failing again, fills me with such dread, because i know i will. tere is no way for me to be perfect. the little excuses that i built into the back of my mind; the little back doors, the are being shut and there is nowhere for me to find passage. here i sit, in a heap and there is nowhere for me to go. i wonder if even your salvation makes room here. because i know you have led me here to this anneccessible, inescapable place. it is your stare, in the guise of all my accusers, which forces me to look at the ruins of my character. how much further can you dissemble me? how much more can i take? personally i want to die now. i am not dicouraged by death. i am terrified to fail again. all those whom i am supposed to serve have exposed me stitch for stitch. there i lie now, exposed. ravaged by you. where to now. once more no going back. unless i kill myself, no escape. because i am not perfect, and most likely will not be as long as i live. so always to be rejected. implacable perfection is my accuser. God help me, i am tired and sick of heart. mercy. mercy.

Memory Verse

““A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, but
when the heart is sad the spirit is broken”.

- Proverbs 15:13 (NASB)

Cheerfulness. I have been so incredibly crushed in the last while. My life has fallen apart and all that I thought I knew about myself has proven to be faulty. I have found out that I am professionally suspect. I have found out that people cannot trust me because I am controlling and manipulative. I have found out that I am most unsuited in my current state to do my job which is to pastor a church. I feel like a gigantic failure and I am so stressed that I have no way of knowing whether I am to survive to the next day. My income is dependent on my doing my job well. I can only be said to be doing my job well if I am able to be trusted and supportive and, well, a pastor. How can I we cheerful? The bible says that cheerfulness comes from a joyful heart, and that a broken heart can only produce a crushed spirit. Right now I am just so incredibly crushed. I feel sorry for myself, yes, but mostly I would just like to be rid of this incredible feeling of stress and unhappiness.

Of course, there is not that alternative. It seems that God has orchestrated it so that I cannot get out of this. The people who I am dealing with have been given to me for better or for worse. They and I am going through this thing to the end. I am destined by God to grow up and go through this so I will come out in the end refined and better suited for the job. All I can rely on right now is my Lord. I have no other safe place. My wife, praise God, is wonderful. She is so supportive and encouraging. I could not have asked for more there and I thank God for her. But as far as the rest goes, all the chickens are coming to roost at once. I suppose I have asked for it. I have asked the Lord to make me grow up and right now I am just so fucking sore that I don’t know if I can stand it. But I know he is doing it because he loves me and I am his child.

So all I can ask is that he supports me through this and loves me and helps me and that I will come out on the other side better for it. And I know I will. Even if this church fails because of my broken sinfulness, I know that there will be a new day ahead when I will better able to serve him. Right now, however, I am hurting and could use some cheerfulness medicine. So Lord, let your joy flow in me. Let me know that you are for me and nobody can be against me. Let me know that you will not leave me nor forsake me. Let me know that you will provide for us even if nobody else will. God help me. I want to be cheerful. It is right, so cheer me up from the inside!

AMEN

My Dear Father

I have typically started the day in a way that will make it difficult to cope and recapture those few precious moments that I lost when I woke up. I am sorry. Now the day is upon me and I and constrained to dial down in a way that is much harder. Still I want to put aside all that hampers me and breathe you in and be with you because my life depends on it. There is no way fro me to function without it. You remain my lifeline, my reason for living and when I don’t connect with that loving embrace, I am poorer by an inestimable amount.

So I call you Father. I unite myself with your presence. You are overwhelmingly loving. You are so there. Your presence is my heart, my soul, my reason for being. Your love is the air that I breathe and if I don’t breathe you then I suffocate and no wonder I flail and struggle against annihilation because by my own omission I am in danger of dying. Lord, as I nudge outwards, looking backwards to the last moment I knew your presence, I I ask that you make it easier for me to find you. I set aside my fears – no! I do not. I confess my inadequate heart and it’s paralyzing fear to you and ask you to be in my moment. Yahweh! The eternal I Am. You are. Here. Now.

In this moment I choose to embrace your love. Let your peace engulf me, my redeemer. My saviour. You fetch me from the plains of indifference, where I numb my heart and dumb down my responses not to be overtaken by overwhelming terror. In you and you alone I am safe.

My heart

Like and apple

Eaten by fear

Mouthful by mouthful

Consumed by terror

Fear relishes my life

The juice of me

And I shrink

The essence of me

Fuel to the fear

Oh God

Keep me safe

Hold me safe

Protect my heart

Safe from shrinking into

Nothingness

Disappeared I am

Out of focus

Trembling on the brink

Of the void

I need you so

Your love

My apple

Shining before me

Gleaming with good

Gleaming with God

I eat you my God

I taste you are sweet

You nourish my heart

You feed my frail existence

I hold onto you

Like an anchor in the night.

My morning Father,

My morning Lord

My all-time creator

Tenderly I touch

Tremulously I try

To find your presence.

You are near

I know

You are here

And I must just tune my taste

To find that you are good

Again

Still

And always were and will be

Here is no part of you

That is not good

No corner

Crouching

All of you

Is my food

Is my nourishment

You feed my heart

On your ever-green love

You are a tree

That will always bear fruit

You are a river

That never dries

Sustaining always

Sempre

Always

O my heart

My inner core

My joy wells up

My heart awakes!

As I flush into glowing life

Again!

The Presence of God

As I sit here, the beating of my heart,
the ebb and flow of my breathing, the movements of my mind
are all signs of God’s ongoing creation of me.
I pause for a moment, and become aware
of this presence of God within me.

WELCOME Lord

I open the sluices a little.

I see the rosy touch of dawn

Trembling warmly

Palely

Wan in the morning mists

Your light reflects off my mind

I respond to you alone

All that you are

And all that I am

We dance in gentle concert

We feel each other out

Remembering yesterday

And heralding

This day’s communion

My God

You are so welcome

When you are there

I drain my heart

Of every bitter taint

Every horrid taste

Of hell’s unwelcome guilt

Your standard never shifts

Now this

Now something else

But still and sure

You remain my measure

Your love is ever sure

Your life and death

Are ever there

The first and last of all

The jot and tittles fixed

I bless your coming love

I

You presence within

I reach out/in

And awareness bleeds

Slowly at first

Into my mind

Me heart is next

Sniffing the wind

Where is my God

Where is he now?

Follow the trail

Of joy

Abba? Abba?

I’ve lost your scent

Where are you,

God my Father?

I wait

You have not yet

Left me unattended

Never once that I have called

Have I remained alone

Then I look down

I feel the rhythm

I see you there

Carrying me all along

II

Welcome!

Well met my God!

I leap within my heart

Your eyes are there

Sweet joy reflecting

You gaze into my heart

No shadow there

To mar our moment

Awake, I see your pleasure!

And I respond

Well met indeed!

You are my love

And lover still.

III

The old impediments

Guilt, fear and pain

Seem far away from me

Since I woke up

Since I tuned in

To how you think

Of me…

I thank you now

I thank you then

Both in the past

And coming

You make

You’ve made

Will make me

Me

Creation

Unadorned

Unashamed

Just me

The pool is deep today

The bottom not so clear

I drift in the gloom

Of my troubled heart

Yet you are here

With me in this

Your words of warmth

Buoy me up

Oh lord, I need you now

Now not to drown

But rather

Again to prevail

Drinking instead

From your sweetest streams

Flow in me my God

Flow in me now

Your cleansing and

Comfort

My only anchor

Draw me in

Draw me close

Draw me into you